pieces of grace

I’ve always loved this phrase, probably because it just sounds so profound. I’ve mostly only thought about it in the context of A Tale of Two Cities and the awesomeness of Charles Dickens (yes, I am a nerd. But the book is a masterpiece, and you’re truly missing out if you haven’t read it). Recently, however, I’ve begun to think about this phrase as an accurate description of my walk with God. It’s been the best of times because absolutely nothing compares to the joy I have in the Lord, but it’s also the worst of times because it’s so freaking difficult. God doesn’t make things easy, that’s for sure. Ironically, back in January when I was reflecting on 2010 I wrote these two sentences: “I am grateful for His unending grace, and am excited to see what He has in store for me next year. It sure as hell won’t be easy, but knowing my God, it will be good.” Boy, did God take me at my word. It definitely hasn’t been easy. In fact, it’s been a rather crazy semester. Within the span of three months, I’ve been stretched in practically every way possible: emotionally, academically, spiritually, and professionally. But has it been good? Good can’t even begin to describe it. These three months have indeed given me some of the most painful times of my life, but the worst of these times is minuscule compared to the insurmountable joy, wisdom, peace, and understanding I have gained in the Lord.

In spite of all these blessings, I’ll admit I’ve often become frustrated. Like, really, God, why do you have to make it so difficult? Can’t you just make things easier for me? It’d be great if I didn’t have all this crap in my life. But what God has taught me  these past couple of months is that being a Christian was never meant to be easy. In fact, the goal that you’re striving for is pretty much impossible. Think about it. You’re striving to be like Jesus, the God incarnate, to know and love Him the way He knows and loves you. But you’re human. By definition you have flaws. There is no way you’re going to be absolutely perfect, because you are not Jesus. Thankfully, Jesus doesn’t want us to be Him. He loves us in spite of our mistakes, our flaws, and our past. The only thing He wants is for us to choose to be with Him, not because He told us to or because it’s what we should do, but because the unconditional love, grace, and gifts He has in store for us are so much better than anything this world can offer.

People often view Christianity as a very legalistic faith tradition, one defined by rules and obligations: Go to church. Read the Bible every day. Pray. Worship. I’m not gonna lie. After many years of growing up in the church, these can definitely seem burdensome and just straight-up boring (particularly as a kid), but the truth is that the more I fall in love with Jesus and His kingdom, the more I want to do these things. They are not rules to me. Rather, they are means to one ridiculously beautiful end: being with God. I go to church to meet with God in fellowship with others. I read the Bible to understand Him more. I pray so I can talk to Him and listen to what He might have to say to me. I worship because I am in such awe of the things He is capable of and just want to praise Him – all day, errday. And in all these things, I find more and more FREEDOM. Because even if I mess up really badly, His grace remains and is more than enough. Because no matter what lies the world tells me about my appearance, I am beautiful as a daughter of the Lord. Because no matter what society tells me, success is not measured by my triumphs or achievements, but how humble I can be in laying down my life and letting God take control.

The aspiration of striving to be like Jesus is therefore no longer doomed to fail because I have the power of God behind me. Without Him, I am only human. With Him, I am made perfect through His grace and can do anything by His power. As a Christian, let me be the first to say that I have so many imperfections and weaknesses. I am guilty of pride, vanity, malice, and jealousy. I am inadequate, incompetent, and afraid. But “[His] grace is sufficient for [me], for [His] power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Life with God as my Father has indeed been the best of times and the worst of times. But these best of times completely outweigh and blow those worst of times out of the water. Every time I invite God to be fully present in a difficult situation, He more than redeems it. I’m sure there are much more difficult times ahead. But that just means there are even better things in store for me. God’s plans for me are far, far better than anything I could ever plan for myself, and experiencing His love and kingdom are far, far better than anything I will ever know (get the reference? Hehe. Sorry, couldn’t help myself).

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:5)

As I get to know myself more, I realize that I notice too much about others and not enough about myself in terms of negative characteristics. I critique others without critiquing myself, and I think this is something I am inclined to do because of my human nature to be prideful. I like to think that I’ve got it together, that I know things others don’t, when really it’s quite the opposite: there is brokenness within me that I do not even fully understand, and I am surrounded by people who are smarter, better, faster, and stronger than me. This has led me to think more about my own imperfections and how this affects the way I treat people sometimes, particularly in the past couple of days. So, in the wee hours of the morning when I am sleep deprived and yet cannot sleep (the irony is killing me), I composed a solid list of what happens to me and my interactions with others when I’m stressed. If you ever run into me like this, let me just say that I’m sorry and ask only for your love and forgiveness. And for all those other times where I genuinely piss people off, thank the good Lord that there is grace.

Well, after that long-winded explanation/justification/rationalization (as is tradition), here it is. This was written partly to entertain so enjoy:

Top 10 Signs that I Am Stressed

(aka I Hope You’ll Still Love Me When I’m Like This)

10. I am obnoxiously loud. More so than usual.

9. I am extremely awkward (again, more so than usual). This has resulted in several terrible first conversations when meeting new people. Case in point: that time at retreat where the second question I asked a freshman after meeting her was whether she played on the Quidditch team at Berkeley (she didn’t).

8. I am super sarcastic and/or mean. Particularly to guys. Probably because I can’t take it out on my girlfriends since 1) that would be wrong (not that taking it out on mah boyz is right or anything) and 2) they’re my girls. Enough said. Also, guys are usually more thick-skinned because they make fun of each other so much already.

7. I dance to almost anything and get shunned/made fun of/told to stop by my guy friends shortly thereafter.

6. I am very abrupt with you and interrupt conversations.

5. I talk really, really fast, and sound like I might be debating you even though the topic is not even remotely debatable.

4. I sing. This is really much more of a coping mechanism than anything else because I get calmer when I sing. Please bear with me and my less-than-satisfactory voice.

3. I start doing imitations of the “Can I have yo numbaa,” “Nail Salon,” and “Bon Qui Qui” comedy sketches and think I’m doing a brilliant job when really no one is laughing and is in fact cringing on my behalf.

2. I am outrageously bubbly/cheery and laugh at pretty much anything. So to ensure that you are actually funny, it would perhaps be wise of you to try your jokes on someone who is less stressed.

1. I can’t sleep and stay up writing ridiculous posts like this one to try to get tired.