pieces of grace

About a month ago, I was more or less forced to watch this really vulgar movie starring Russell Brand and Jonah Hill: Get Him to the Greek. Needless to say, I am not a fan of that type of humor, nor was I a fan of the main actors, which was made clear  by the fact that I failed to recognize P. Diddy when he first appeared (sad, I know). I’ll admit, I did laugh for a fair bit of the movie and found myself humming “Furry Walls” afterwards, but the scene that resonated the most with me was when Jonah Hill asked his girlfriend the worst question you can ever ask a girl: “Are you on your period?”

You must never ask a girl this question, not because girls may or may not break up with you afterwards (well, this might happen…as demonstrated in the movie), but because it is unnecessary. If they are acting a little crazy/bipolar/moody/clingy when they’re usually not, the answer is almost always yes, they’re on their period. Heck, they might not be, but asking them this question and then getting an outraged no is guaranteed to be worse than just assuming that they are and being sensitive about it. Girls have a little more leeway to ask other girls this question because we can disguise our motives under the pretense of wanting to know if our periods synced or not, not to mention the fact that girls commiserate together over their periods all the time. (If you are a guy and are cringing at the fact that you have now read the word “period” four times in one paragraph, please grow up)

Guys, on the other hand, cannot and will never understand what cramps feel like, just like girls will never understand what being kicked in the balls feels like. And if you ask a girl straight up if she’s on her period, that’s basically telling her in a roundabout way that she’s acting like a little beezy. If she is on her period, she will be offended. If she isn’t on her period, she will be even more offended. So it’s just a completely lose-lose situation. I know what you’re thinking now: “What the crap am I supposed to do, then? Dealing with this once a month is too much.” (I won’t go into the fact that if you can’t handle this once a month, you are not ready for pregnancy) If you’re a guy, just let her tell you that she’s on her period because if she’s rational enough and knows that communication is important, she will explain to you eventually. It’s not easy for her to admit that she’s acting crazy, either. If she’s just acting weird in general, some better questions to ask are, “Are you okay?” or “Is everything okay?” or “Do you need anything?” Even if you don’t really mean it, she’ll appreciate the sensitive gesture anyway and will act nicer. Plus, you never know what else is going on. Maybe she’s just dealing with a lot of stuff. If you’re a girl, the solution is way easier: Ask her the same “are you okay” questions because it’s just nicer (and girls are more naturally inclined to be more sensitive anyway). But just in case you forget and let your tongue slip, you can always brush it off with a “Oh, no, I was just wondering because I thought our periods might be syncing! Haha sorry feel better and loove you girrrl!” Yup, sorry guys. Girls have it easier on this one.

Now, I know there is one question that you all are dying to ask me, either because you really think so or because you just want to be annoying. The answer is no. But regardless, be thankful, because this is real-world, applicable advice, and will probably make for better relationships and friendships. So now there’s only one thing left to do: be the opposite of Nike. Just don’t do it.