pieces of grace

So this will definitely be a quickie post for several reasons:

a) I have a paper to write that is due in 1 day, but I’m trying to get as much done as possible. I wanted to finish tonight, but that’s probably not going to happen.

b) I feel bad for staying up so late; I can hear my roomie tossing and turning occasionally due to the light of my desk lamp. Bless her heart for having to deal with an insensitive roommate like me.

c) I am tired and I would really really like to sleep. But I can’t. I need to get my paper at least half done. I guess the question to really ask is, why am I sitting here trying to get this done at 4:47 am? I never was really that bad of a procrastinator in high school. But that was back when my mom watched me over my shoulder and wouldn’t sleep until I did so I was guilt-tripped into not wasting my time. But I also think it’s because I’m doing too much. It doesn’t seem like I’m doing a lot because I love every activity I’m doing, but now that I look back on it, each one actually takes a lot of my time, so much so that I’m out literally every night of the week and by the time I come back I’m just too burnt out to do any real work, or even think about it. My parents told me recently that I was doing too much, but I didn’t want to admit it. I think it was my pride that was holding me back; I wanted to be able to say that it was fine, I could handle everything. But I really can’t. On the other hand, I also don’t know what to give up on, because I love each of them so much. I guess the logical thing would be to do less IV, because the other two activities are pretty much fixed, but it really is hard to let go for several reasons. First, the people there are all so amazing and pretty much make life here at Berkeley the best ever. Second, because that would mean I’m cutting down on my “God” time, though I don’t know if that’s inherently true, because your “God” time is defined by you, not by how much time you supposedly spend in fellowship with other people. The stuff that I would be sacrificing would really be hangout time with others,  really. I don’t know. Am I just rationalizing? Really, I have too many thoughts at this late an hour. Either way, the thing is I realized I’ve been trying to go it alone for the past couple of weeks, trying to juggle everything myself. The truth is, though, that I just gotta humble myself and let God take care of it. So here I am, God. I really can’t do it alone and I need Your help. I know your plan might not fit me the way I want it right now, but I know I’ll end up getting everything I want in the long run and more, even if it’s not exactly the way I envisioned it.

d) I realized today from some blunt advice from a friend how immature I am, which is kind of sad because I prided myself on being more mature for my age. Well, at least compared to most guys my age. I think most of it stems from caring so much about what other people think of me – that lends itself to all sorts of sensitivities. I guess all of my problems in life all stem from a spiritual problem: I really lack confidence in myself because I am not confident in God’s love, which is quite terrible of me. But also really kind of contradictory and weird. Because if I know that God loves me the way I am and loves me more than I will ever know, how can I still feel so insecure about myself? It’s pretty illogical.

Anyways, back to the paper. Mmm my head’s not feeling good, though. Mayhap a nap, first?

P.S. I apologize if none of this made any sense. I tend to not make sense after pulling all-nighters.