pieces of grace

Sometimes all it takes is one person to ruin your day. One comment, even. It doesn’t really matter how you were feeling before. It could have been the happiest moment of your life, but somehow what that one person says or thinks weighs in much more. Am I being melodramatic? Maybe I am. Maybe all this emotional crap I’m feeling just goes to show what a drama headcase I am. The worst part is that I can’t even say how I’m feeling because that would just descend into a prolonged, unnecessary fight. And who wants to do that? I just wish I wasn’t such a people-pleaser. Yesterday at chuch the pastor mentioned in his message that we sometimes care too much about what other people think; when he said that, I was thinking, “Oh, that’s not really me.” But it totally is.

It’s just that nothing I ever do seems to be good enough. All I wanted was for someone to be proud, to share in my happy moment. But that one word left me wanting to cry. The thing is, their comment wasn’t out of place, or even wrong. It was actually quite accurate. Perhaps I didn’t want to hear the criticism, but it wasn’t the criticism part that mattered so much. What hurt the most is that I realized I could have the most amazing accomplishment, and it still wouldn’t be good enough, because there will always be something to critique, something that could have been better. It hurt because I realized that even those closest to us can disappoint us. And the disappointment is even greater because you expected so much.

This all sounds so depressing, doesn’t it? I find that quite ironic because I’m really not a depressing person. So let me end this post on a happy note: Even though people can disappoint you (and they inevitably will), God never will. The people who love you the most can say the most hurtful things, but God will never disappoint, because He understands and loves us even more than we understand ourselves. If I base my happiness on other people, I’m going to be living a pretty sad and angry life. But if I base my happiness on God and trust what He has for me, well, that just might be the best life I could ever have. Living God and trusting Him to have the best plan for you – sometimes that’s all it takes.

I apologize for the ay-ohs; I simply couldn’t resist. But contrary to what you might think, this post really isn’t about Ne-Yo (as much as I love him), or the song, or for those who know me well, that amazing So You Think You Can Dance Shane Sparks piece danced by Sabra and Dominic. No, this post is about something much more mundane: relationships.

Relationships are funny. (I’m not sure if that’s a line from Scrubs, but I can hear J.D. saying it in my head so I’m just going to assume that it is) They can change so quickly, going from one extremity to the other. One minute you’re crying or ranting or giving the silent treatment, and the next, what do you know, you’re BFFs. Who cares that you just screamed and shouted obscenities at each other? All of that has suddenly become erased – at least until the next time when one of you brings it up again. Guys who have witnessed a girl fight before know what I’m talking about. Isn’t it just weird how the fight can end in a hug? It make absolutely no sense. I can see the conversation in a movie: “So you guys are friends now, huh?” “Sort of.” “What do you mean?” “Well…we’re frenemies.” *camera pans over to confused expression on guy’s face*

Why am I writing about this? No, I haven’t been involved in girl drama lately. In college, everyone’s pretty much past that stage – I think. And no, I’m not dating anyone (I know some of you were excited at that prospect…Sorry to disappoint). But it’s because I’ve been thinking lately about my conception of relationships, the realization of how much work they take, and most importantly, my relationship with God. I know that’s a lot of stuff that seems unrelated, but bear with me as I try to explain.

Since the topic of relationships is extremely broad, for the sake of post length I’m going to focus on 1) romantic relationships and 2) friendships and then tie it back to how I see my relationship with God.

1) Probably one of the most exciting parts of college is that I’m finally allowed to legitimately date. If you’re confused right now, I will end your confusion with two words: Asian parents. I’m sure you understand now. But I’m actually kind of grateful I didn’t date in high school. For one thing, it let me focus on school and all the other stuff I was doing to try to get into college. For another, it gave me time to really know myself and understand what I’m looking for in a guy. And after observing so many people in relationships, I’m starting to think I’m probably still not ready. There’s just so many factors you have to account for, like things you do that piss the other person off but that they don’t tell you about till much later and all the stuff that builds up and starts coming out. And even if you’ve been together a long time, dang, can your relationship can fluctuate. Listening to other people, watching other people – it’s really weird. And kind of scary, because I’m one of those people who’ve watched one too many chick flicks and have a very fairy tale-like idea of a boyfriend. It just made me realize – getting a boyfriend won’t really be a be-all end-all panacea to every problem I’ll ever have. In fact, it will probably give me more problems. If I get a boyfriend, there’s no guarantee I’ll be happy. But I do know one relationship that will give me the guarantee of being happy, and that’s a relationship with God. So for now, I think I’m going to focus on that and just trust that whatever God has for me, it will be amazing. I don’t need to really try to look for someone – it will happen when God wants it to (and hopefully that’s not when I’m 30, but if that’s the way God wants it, then so be it).

2) Along with people sneezing right next to me really loudly, jiggling their leg, or being fake, one of my biggest pet peeves is flaky friends. I really get annoyed by that, because it’s antithetical to the whole idea of friendship. I mean, if you’re really my friend, then you would talk to me in some consistent interval. If you really cared about me, you would try to help as  best you could. Even if you don’t really do those things, then you should at least respond reciprocally depending on how good a friend I am to you. That’s always kind of been my philosophy. This is coming up because I’ve been annoyed at a particular person lately for not really being a friend while claiming to be one. But I realized last night that like every other pet peeve I have, it’s incredibly hypocritical, because I do it too. Even worse, I do it to the person I claim is my best friend. For the past four years, I’ve barely given God the time of day. Sure, I pray to him 3 times a day for like 30 seconds each time, but they’re usually very general and involve me asking Him for things that I don’t deserve. The sad truth is, I’ve been neglecting the person who’s given me everything. If the person I was annoyed with is a flake, then I’m the biggest flake to have ever hit the planet. So who am I to judge? I really don’t have that right. Until I stop being such a flake to God, I can’t be mad at others being flakes to me.

Thinking about these things have really helped me realize that the most important relationship in my life right now should be the one with God. Even though I’m a total flake to Him, it’s amazing how much He still loves me and the extent to which He blesses me. Now that’s what I’d call a real friend.

So God, are you ready to make this work? Because I am. Or at least, I can try. In full-out Ne-Yo fashion.