pieces of grace

In the midst of trying to copy some 20 pages of a test prep book double-sided, I casually turned on the TV. I was confronted with a rather intriguing scene: about 50 girls on the verge of nervous breakdowns with Tyra Banks injecting as much suspense as possible into the words, “The next name I will to call is…” I guess the music helped too.

I’ve always been curious about America’s Next Top Model, just as I am curious about Gossip Girl, Project Runway, Heroes, and the long list of TV shows that capture millions of teens my age – the shows that I would explore if I actually had the time. Let’s just say half an hour of ANTM was enough for me. I found the entire thing rather amusing, though that’s hardly surprising, since I find everything amusing. I did find myself enjoying about half of it, though. The other half was covered by disgust at myself for actually enjoying the horror that was unfolding on TV.

For one thing, this new “Cycle 11,” is unique in that it included a transgendered woman named Isis. Obviously this led to much controversy and already some pretty catty remarks from the rest of the contestants. Anyway, I’d love to rant more, but I really need to get back to being productive, so I will just list some of my favorite quotations. And remember, these were all in the space of about 30 minutes (20 if you subtract commercials). Imagine how much I could compile in an hour.

1. The various forms of “OHMYGODD”s from the newly announced contestants.

2. “Hi, my name is ShaRan, and I AM America’s Next Top Model.” (continues to repeat this to every judge who looks at her weirdly)

3. Nigel: “So what in your opinion is the difference between a beauty queen and America’s Next Top Model?”

Sharan: “Well, a beauty queen is like save the world, love world peace, you know?”

4. From the one Asian contestant: “YEAHHHH ASIIANN” “YELLOW FEVER REPRESENT!!!” (at least that’s what the subtitles said)

5. About the transgendered contestant: “I just feel weird knowing that she’s different down there, you know?”

6. To the transgendered contestant: “You’re like a butterfly, being reborn.”

7. The mass giggling and screaming that would ensue every time a message from Tyra appeared and the words “Love, Tyra” were read.

8. Paulina (apparently some really famous model): “So if you were at a shoot, and a photographer requested to have sexual relations with you, what would you do?”

Interviewee: “Walk over, kick him hard right in the balls, and walk away.”

*camera pans over to Paulina’s shocked lock*

9. Nigel: So who is your favorite photographer?

Interviewee: *giggles nervously*

Nigel: Ok, confidence is key here.

Interviewee (continues to giggle nervously. then finally catches her breath and says): YOU. *more nervous giggling that is incredibly awkward to watch*

10. And my all-time favorite. (The girls were supposed to each model according to a political issue theme. Like immigration, or health care, or environment)

“I have to represent bureaucracy, but I don’t really know what that is.”

To other contestant: “Hey, do you know what bureaucracy means?”

Contestant: “I know, but I’m not going to tell you.” *smiles seductively*

Bureaucracy girl to camera: Okay, that girl needs to chill.

Alright one more…

Girl whose photo theme is Environment: “I don’t get how all this background environmental stuff is supposed to help people get out and vote.”

EXACTLY.