Buzz Words
When I did debate (yes, I was/am quite the nerd), there were so many buzz words it was almost like speaking a different language: cross-ex, spread, flow, cutting cards, prepping out, just to name a few. Same goes for consulting. Instead of use, we say leverage, because we want to sound all scholarly and eloquent, when really we just mean use. And instead of saying we’re trying to do too much or that the scope is too large, we use terms like “boiling the ocean.” There’s a part of me that loves using buzz words because it sounds impressive and smart. It’s like validating my intelligence. Using buzz words is often subconscious proof that you are part of a certain community or have reached a particular social status. It’s another way of showing that you understand these secret terms, that you are “special,” and that there are just some people who don’t understand the words that are coming out of your mouth (sorry, couldn’t resist the Rush Hour reference).
Now don’t get me wrong. Buzz words aren’t inherently a bad thing. They are part of society and are probably even necessary in certain contexts. They’re just really annoying sometimes, especially when you feel intimidated and excluded by them, which got me thinking about another part of my life that uses a lot of buzz words: my faith.
Growing up Christian, there were a lot of those basic words with a religious connotation, like holy, prayer, God, Jesus, etc. I thought that was it. But when I got to college, I heard a lot more buzz words and phrases, like brokenness, kingdom of God, healing, social justice, ethnic identity, grace, and redemption. And since I heard them so much, I started using them when I prayed, but mostly because they just sounded so good and fluffy, not because I actually fully understood what they meant. But hey, leaders used them and they sounded so holy when they prayed that I wanted to sound like that too. Except there were a lot of times when I prayed with people that a) the words sounded super fake to my ears and b) what the heck did I even really mean anyway? Wouldn’t it just be easier and more real to say, “God, I’m pretty messed up right now. I need You” instead of “God, please heal me and everyone else in our brokenness. Bring Your kingdom here”? But I hid behind these phrases rather than be honest about how I was feeling with my faith. And I felt the need to, because I was afraid I would look bad if I didn’t talk about God healing my brokenness, even if I felt like He just wasn’t there. The reason was because it just seemed like everyone else had it so together. But most of the time, that’s not true. Everyone’s always struggling with something or the other, and a lot of the time faith is part of those struggles. We just have a hard time admitting it to people because there’s this expectation of being good, of being “Christian.”
But Christianity isn’t supposed to be that way. As human beings, we mess up all the time and as Christians, we should be able to share that with each other without feeling afraid of what others might think. We should be able to be real and honest and not use buzz words to sound good and holy. Because most of the time, we’re not. We get angry. We swear. We judge people and are mean. Buzz words are great and good to describe our faith, but I think overuse of them deters true community. I wish I hadn’t felt the need to use a bunch of buzz words while praying and was brave enough to just be truthful. So that’s my challenge, I guess, to myself, and to everyone else who happens to read this. Be real with others, because likely they feel the exact same way as you. But you can be the first to break out of the buzz words and say what you really mean to say as is: raw, open, and unashamedly naked.
Mike
Tonight, I finally met Mike. You know who he is. He sits in front of Asian Ghetto all day with his boom box, playing Michael Jackson and other dance music that I kind of bounce along to on my way to class, asking people for change. If you say no or sorry, he says God bless you anyway. Mike’s been there every day for at least the past four years, probably way longer. I’ve heard about him from people in my fellowship who have shared meals with him and read blog posts past Intervarsity alumni have written about their good conversations with him. I’ve always wanted to sit down and talk to Mike. But for the past two years, I’ve managed to say “no, sorry” or ignored him every time I’ve walked past as he asks for change with a big smile on his face. I think I gave him some change once, but as soon as I finished putting the money in his hand and giving him a smile, I hurriedly walked away, satisfied that I had “helped” a homeless person and rushed on to the next important thing I had to do.
Tonight, though, I finally worked up enough grace and love to buy him some coffee and talk to him a bit. I almost didn’t. The first time he came into Sweetheart’s I merely stood there, wondering if I should offer and feeling God nudging me. When he left, I sighed a bit, wishing that I actually had. But five minutes later, he came back. And God’s nudging from before turned into pushing. What followed was a very short conversation, but one filled with much revelation. A couple of things struck me about Mike. First was that he knew both my friend and I were Christian, not because of our actions, but simply because he has seen us around so often and at Intervarsity homeless outreach events. As we introduced ourselves, he said, “Yeah, you’ve seen me. With my boom box and everything.” That hit me hard because it’s so true. I have seen him with his boom box, but I’ve forgotten about him, not even thinking that perhaps by now, after two years, he recognizes me too and knows more about me than I know about him. Mike not only recognized us, but he had eyes for me when I had no eyes for him. Second was how curious and questioning he was about our faith. He asked us about church, about Jesus, about the Resurrection, and about sin, all in the span of about five minutes. I saw a heart that was so open and wanting to change, but not sure how. Third was just how happy he is, despite his circumstances. Though he is homeless, he wished us good luck on our finals multiple times.
I think Mike knows a lot more than I do. And he is more Christ-like than I am most of the time. He sees people, really sees people, and strikes up conversations with them. He questions, but trusts. And he rejoices in spite of his situation. As summer comes up, I hope to spend more time talking to him, instead of shying away and retreating to my own secure communities and social bubbles. He says he’ll be at Convergence this Sunday. I really wish I could be there, because I have a lot to learn from him. We all do.
Legs
In case you couldn’t figure it out from the title, this post is, very simply, about legs. My legs, to be more specific. I know what you’re thinking. You couldn’t care less about my legs. And you are thinking how strange I am to dedicate a whole blog post to a particular body part. But I have a good reason. Well, several good reasons. Tonight, I got my first ever pair of basketball shorts! As I was admiring them in the mirror, it suddenly occurred to me how rarely I wear shorts. Even in elementary school, I always wore sweatpants for PE, and felt super shy sporting shorts (alliteration ftw). The first time I wore short shorts was when I left my own, longer shorts at home and had to borrow a classmate’s. Several people told me I looked good in shorts, which surprised me, because I didn’t really like my legs. Entering high school, I still never wore shorts. This was partly due to the fact that I get cold very easily and so would just default to wearing my uniform sweatpants all the time, but the main reason was because I didn’t like my knees. They were always too bruised from dance, especially freshman year, when I had to do a dance with knee spins and bowls on my head, but that’s a story for another time. And, I don’t know, my legs just didn’t look that good.
I found myself admiring all my other peers who had these really nice, long, tan, shiny-looking legs and wishing I had nice legs too. As a short person, I have come to acknowledge the fact that I will never be admired for great, long, model legs. And I realized that this insecurity about my legs is something I’ve carried on with me into college. Yes, I still check other girls’ legs out (don’t judge me) and heave an inward sigh, wishing my legs looked like theirs. I never realized how big an insecurity this is, but it’s true. I rarely show my legs or wear skirts/shorts above my knees. I just wear leggings all the time instead. But I ended up buying some dance club apparel this semester, a pair of short shorts and a pair of bball shorts. I picked them up tonight and realized, “What am I doing with these? I never wear shorts!” But then I tried them on and decided they were too cute to never wear…which means, I may actually be wearing shorts and showing more of my legs soon. Yes, I think this is something I need to push myself to do. It’s time to leg-go (hohoho) of this insecurity and embrace myself the way God made me, bruised dancer legs and all.
The Best of Times and the Worst of Times
I’ve always loved this phrase, probably because it just sounds so profound. I’ve mostly only thought about it in the context of A Tale of Two Cities and the awesomeness of Charles Dickens (yes, I am a nerd. But the book is a masterpiece, and you’re truly missing out if you haven’t read it). Recently, however, I’ve begun to think about this phrase as an accurate description of my walk with God. It’s been the best of times because absolutely nothing compares to the joy I have in the Lord, but it’s also the worst of times because it’s so freaking difficult. God doesn’t make things easy, that’s for sure. Ironically, back in January when I was reflecting on 2010 I wrote these two sentences: “I am grateful for His unending grace, and am excited to see what He has in store for me next year. It sure as hell won’t be easy, but knowing my God, it will be good.” Boy, did God take me at my word. It definitely hasn’t been easy. In fact, it’s been a rather crazy semester. Within the span of three months, I’ve been stretched in practically every way possible: emotionally, academically, spiritually, and professionally. But has it been good? Good can’t even begin to describe it. These three months have indeed given me some of the most painful times of my life, but the worst of these times is minuscule compared to the insurmountable joy, wisdom, peace, and understanding I have gained in the Lord.
In spite of all these blessings, I’ll admit I’ve often become frustrated. Like, really, God, why do you have to make it so difficult? Can’t you just make things easier for me? It’d be great if I didn’t have all this crap in my life. But what God has taught me these past couple of months is that being a Christian was never meant to be easy. In fact, the goal that you’re striving for is pretty much impossible. Think about it. You’re striving to be like Jesus, the God incarnate, to know and love Him the way He knows and loves you. But you’re human. By definition you have flaws. There is no way you’re going to be absolutely perfect, because you are not Jesus. Thankfully, Jesus doesn’t want us to be Him. He loves us in spite of our mistakes, our flaws, and our past. The only thing He wants is for us to choose to be with Him, not because He told us to or because it’s what we should do, but because the unconditional love, grace, and gifts He has in store for us are so much better than anything this world can offer.
People often view Christianity as a very legalistic faith tradition, one defined by rules and obligations: Go to church. Read the Bible every day. Pray. Worship. I’m not gonna lie. After many years of growing up in the church, these can definitely seem burdensome and just straight-up boring (particularly as a kid), but the truth is that the more I fall in love with Jesus and His kingdom, the more I want to do these things. They are not rules to me. Rather, they are means to one ridiculously beautiful end: being with God. I go to church to meet with God in fellowship with others. I read the Bible to understand Him more. I pray so I can talk to Him and listen to what He might have to say to me. I worship because I am in such awe of the things He is capable of and just want to praise Him – all day, errday. And in all these things, I find more and more FREEDOM. Because even if I mess up really badly, His grace remains and is more than enough. Because no matter what lies the world tells me about my appearance, I am beautiful as a daughter of the Lord. Because no matter what society tells me, success is not measured by my triumphs or achievements, but how humble I can be in laying down my life and letting God take control.
The aspiration of striving to be like Jesus is therefore no longer doomed to fail because I have the power of God behind me. Without Him, I am only human. With Him, I am made perfect through His grace and can do anything by His power. As a Christian, let me be the first to say that I have so many imperfections and weaknesses. I am guilty of pride, vanity, malice, and jealousy. I am inadequate, incompetent, and afraid. But “[His] grace is sufficient for [me], for [His] power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Life with God as my Father has indeed been the best of times and the worst of times. But these best of times completely outweigh and blow those worst of times out of the water. Every time I invite God to be fully present in a difficult situation, He more than redeems it. I’m sure there are much more difficult times ahead. But that just means there are even better things in store for me. God’s plans for me are far, far better than anything I could ever plan for myself, and experiencing His love and kingdom are far, far better than anything I will ever know (get the reference? Hehe. Sorry, couldn’t help myself).
Top 10 Signs that I Am Stressed
You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:5)
As I get to know myself more, I realize that I notice too much about others and not enough about myself in terms of negative characteristics. I critique others without critiquing myself, and I think this is something I am inclined to do because of my human nature to be prideful. I like to think that I’ve got it together, that I know things others don’t, when really it’s quite the opposite: there is brokenness within me that I do not even fully understand, and I am surrounded by people who are smarter, better, faster, and stronger than me. This has led me to think more about my own imperfections and how this affects the way I treat people sometimes, particularly in the past couple of days. So, in the wee hours of the morning when I am sleep deprived and yet cannot sleep (the irony is killing me), I composed a solid list of what happens to me and my interactions with others when I’m stressed. If you ever run into me like this, let me just say that I’m sorry and ask only for your love and forgiveness. And for all those other times where I genuinely piss people off, thank the good Lord that there is grace.
Well, after that long-winded explanation/justification/rationalization (as is tradition), here it is. This was written partly to entertain so enjoy:
Top 10 Signs that I Am Stressed
(aka I Hope You’ll Still Love Me When I’m Like This)
10. I am obnoxiously loud. More so than usual.
9. I am extremely awkward (again, more so than usual). This has resulted in several terrible first conversations when meeting new people. Case in point: that time at retreat where the second question I asked a freshman after meeting her was whether she played on the Quidditch team at Berkeley (she didn’t).
8. I am super sarcastic and/or mean. Particularly to guys. Probably because I can’t take it out on my girlfriends since 1) that would be wrong (not that taking it out on mah boyz is right or anything) and 2) they’re my girls. Enough said. Also, guys are usually more thick-skinned because they make fun of each other so much already.
7. I dance to almost anything and get shunned/made fun of/told to stop by my guy friends shortly thereafter.
6. I am very abrupt with you and interrupt conversations.
5. I talk really, really fast, and sound like I might be debating you even though the topic is not even remotely debatable.
4. I sing. This is really much more of a coping mechanism than anything else because I get calmer when I sing. Please bear with me and my less-than-satisfactory voice.
3. I start doing imitations of the “Can I have yo numbaa,” “Nail Salon,” and “Bon Qui Qui” comedy sketches and think I’m doing a brilliant job when really no one is laughing and is in fact cringing on my behalf.
2. I am outrageously bubbly/cheery and laugh at pretty much anything. So to ensure that you are actually funny, it would perhaps be wise of you to try your jokes on someone who is less stressed.
1. I can’t sleep and stay up writing ridiculous posts like this one to try to get tired.
Thoughts on the “Asians in the Library” Video
By now pretty much all of my Facebook, Tumblr, and Twitter friends have seen the “Asians in the Library” video by UCLA student Alexandra Wallace lambasting Asians for speaking too loudly in the library, bringing everyone and their mother to do laundry for them on weekends, and needing to step outside the library if they’re freaking out over “the tsunami thing.” Yup, she said some pretty darn racist and offensive things. So here are some of my thoughts, outlined in list form, because everyone knows it’s so much easier to say things when you say them in a psuedo-organized fashion. I seriously doubt anyone really cares that much about what I think of this incident, but these are some things that I feel very strongly about, because as much as I want to hate on her for the things she said, I don’t think that hate is going to solve anything, and I honestly think the girl could use some love right now.
1. My first thought after watching the video was, “Dang, I feel sorry for this girl. She’s going to get owned.” And she is getting owned pretty badly right now, because unfortunately for her, there are tons of other people who say and have said just as offensive things. They were just smart enough to not post a Youtube video about it. To be completely honest, I guess I wasn’t as offended by the stuff she said in the video because I had heard those type of comments before from girls at my high school and kids at my elementary school. They weren’t always very politically correct either, and I have a very clear memory of two particular girls making racist comments about Asians but being completely unaware that they were being offensive. And these comments were certainly not a reflection of the girls’ character in any way. It was just something they just said in passing without really thinking. Alexandra Wallace is not the first or only person in the world to have these thoughts. She’s just now taking a giant blow for all of them because she stupidly made her thoughts and contact information very, very public.
2. Though almost every part of the video was pretty bad, one of the worst moments was the “ching chong” part. People also said this to me a lot as a joke back when they were young junior highers and blissfully unaware of its racist implications. Obviously, Alexandra Wallace is not a junior higher, so that does not excuse any of her words, but the fact remains that she is a college student. She’s still young and probably did not realize the full extent of what she said. There is no doubt that she should have known better and is completely responsible for her words. But she took the video off her page pretty soon after she posted it, probably after she realized what she had just done. I’m not defending her in any way, but I do think these are things people need to consider and take into context amidst all their vilification.
3. If I’m truly angry about any issues surrounding the video, it’s the objectifying comments people are making on her video and UCLA student response videos. Alexandra Wallace is hot. Yay, we get it. She’s a model (a model that will probably not be having such a great career now, but that’s beside the point). Of course she’s hot. Now stop commenting on the size of her chest or talking about how ugly other UCLA girls are in comparison to her because that has nothing to do with the issue and the dialogue people are having about this video.
4. Her annoyance is not completely unjustified. In fact, the video would have been perfectly okay if she had not directed her rant specifically at Asians and been so incredibly insensitive and tactless about the tsunami in Japan. I can understand how annoying it is when I need quiet and people are talking loudly on a phone. But the fact that she turned it into a point of cultural difference is pretty unjustifiable. People need quiet in the library, and there are Asians and Americans and even Asian-Americans (harharhar) who sometimes just are either talking to their friends or talking on the phone too loudly. I hope this doesn’t incite weird backlash of people speaking super loudly in the library now, because that would just be a little ridiculous.
Okay, so those are just some of my thoughts. I don’t think any of what she said is right or excusable. But I do feel bad for the girl as she is showing up on legit online news blogs and everyone’s newsfeeds and Tumblr dashboards. I hope and pray that before people hate, they consider how much she has had to deal with already. This is likely something that will follow her for the rest of her life, and she is probably already extremely sorry. So give her some LOVE and UNDERSTANDING. Because she needs it. Even if she’s not sorry, give her love. Because she is a fellow human being and has lost much dignity over this video. You can help her reclaim some of it. As an Asian-American girl, then, my ultimate response to the video is this: After all this hate, she deserves some love.
The One Question You Must Never Ask a Girl
About a month ago, I was more or less forced to watch this really vulgar movie starring Russell Brand and Jonah Hill: Get Him to the Greek. Needless to say, I am not a fan of that type of humor, nor was I a fan of the main actors, which was made clear by the fact that I failed to recognize P. Diddy when he first appeared (sad, I know). I’ll admit, I did laugh for a fair bit of the movie and found myself humming “Furry Walls” afterwards, but the scene that resonated the most with me was when Jonah Hill asked his girlfriend the worst question you can ever ask a girl: “Are you on your period?”
You must never ask a girl this question, not because girls may or may not break up with you afterwards (well, this might happen…as demonstrated in the movie), but because it is unnecessary. If they are acting a little crazy/bipolar/moody/clingy when they’re usually not, the answer is almost always yes, they’re on their period. Heck, they might not be, but asking them this question and then getting an outraged no is guaranteed to be worse than just assuming that they are and being sensitive about it. Girls have a little more leeway to ask other girls this question because we can disguise our motives under the pretense of wanting to know if our periods synced or not, not to mention the fact that girls commiserate together over their periods all the time. (If you are a guy and are cringing at the fact that you have now read the word “period” four times in one paragraph, please grow up)
Guys, on the other hand, cannot and will never understand what cramps feel like, just like girls will never understand what being kicked in the balls feels like. And if you ask a girl straight up if she’s on her period, that’s basically telling her in a roundabout way that she’s acting like a little beezy. If she is on her period, she will be offended. If she isn’t on her period, she will be even more offended. So it’s just a completely lose-lose situation. I know what you’re thinking now: “What the crap am I supposed to do, then? Dealing with this once a month is too much.” (I won’t go into the fact that if you can’t handle this once a month, you are not ready for pregnancy) If you’re a guy, just let her tell you that she’s on her period because if she’s rational enough and knows that communication is important, she will explain to you eventually. It’s not easy for her to admit that she’s acting crazy, either. If she’s just acting weird in general, some better questions to ask are, “Are you okay?” or “Is everything okay?” or “Do you need anything?” Even if you don’t really mean it, she’ll appreciate the sensitive gesture anyway and will act nicer. Plus, you never know what else is going on. Maybe she’s just dealing with a lot of stuff. If you’re a girl, the solution is way easier: Ask her the same “are you okay” questions because it’s just nicer (and girls are more naturally inclined to be more sensitive anyway). But just in case you forget and let your tongue slip, you can always brush it off with a “Oh, no, I was just wondering because I thought our periods might be syncing! Haha sorry feel better and loove you girrrl!” Yup, sorry guys. Girls have it easier on this one.
Now, I know there is one question that you all are dying to ask me, either because you really think so or because you just want to be annoying. The answer is no. But regardless, be thankful, because this is real-world, applicable advice, and will probably make for better relationships and friendships. So now there’s only one thing left to do: be the opposite of Nike. Just don’t do it.
You Bring Transformation and Restoration
You take my mourning and turn it into dancing. You take my weeping and turn it into laughing. You take my mourning and turn it into dancing. You take my sadness and turn it into joy. You bring Restoration.
So this song has been stuck in my head for the past week or so, probably because my fellowship has played it at its past two events and both times it was sung it just sounded so freaking good. But this song hasn’t been stuck in my head for the sole reason of being catchy. This might sound strange, but I feel like God has been speaking to me through this song. Except He’s telling me that He doesn’t just bring restoration, but transformation as well. And it’s not one of those things where I’ve been actively listening to this song on Youtube or anything. I only looked it up just now. For the past few days and especially today, though, certain events and people I’ve been running into have been constant reminders of how much has changed in one semester – especially how much my relationships with people have transformed by the grace and power of God. I am building solid, beautiful relationships with people today that I never even knew or thought I would never talk to a semester ago, not because I really did anything, but because God is doing good work in me and in other people’s lives.
Today was especially such a strong reminder of that. Though it’s the second week of school, I am already feeling stressed from classes. This semester is my heaviest load of units so far, and I’m in love with three of my classes, really don’t have time for/care about the fourth, and absolutely loathe my fifth class. Thank goodness the three classes I love are all related to my major/minor. But I am feeling the pressure, especially from Econ (oh, oops, guess this is somewhat a major-related class. Whatever. I refuse to acknowledge this fact). I honestly don’t know what the heck is going on in that class, and I do not remember partial derivatives. On top of that, I had dance auditions to worry about, the state of a club to ponder (and worry about), and duties for another club and fellowship. I only slept six hours last night because I honestly just couldn’t sleep. I was too worried about everything that I was supposed to handle today and the weeks to come. I was so stressed that I didn’t eat very much, and it seems that I’ve lost some weight because my skinny jeans are now baggy on me. Today, however, I ran into several Decal people, one in the bathroom and the others at a career fair, and just catching up with them was such a blessing. One of them told me how much she enjoyed the class and that it had led to a lot of bonding and friendships. That blew me away because I recall the slavedriver in me working them hard for the full two hours every week. They had time to become friends? What? Just kidding, I wasn’t that mean. But still, it did surprise me. And it made me joyful. I could see God was placing these people in my lives, in certain times and places, to bring restoration to me and be a reminder of His powerful transformation.
This morning, I woke up so tired, miserable, and just nervous. But I prayed for God to bring me peace, comfort, and joy. And I prayed for His glory to be revealed today. That was at 7 am. By 1 pm, He had fulfilled that prayer. I’m still feeling a bit of physical anxiety, and I know that this struggle of being stressed and tired won’t just be confined to today. It will be for many days this semester. But my God is faithful. And He will take that sadness and turn it into joy. So that “[my] faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.” (1 Corinthians 2:5)
The Social Network
To be honest, when I first saw the trailer for this movie, I a) didn’t understand what it was about for the first 20 seconds because all it showed was people’s faces and a cursor moving around on Facebook with “Creep” playing in the background b) groaned when I realized what it was about and c) collectively scoffed with the audience after the trailer was finished because I, like everyone else, thought it would be absolute trash. Especially when I saw Justin Timberlake’s face. I mean, the last time he was a main character in a movie was as a voice in Shrek 3 (or was it 4? It’s too difficult to keep track anymore). I then completely forgot about the trailer as I went on to enjoy my clearly superior movie in the theaters. Just kidding. I actually don’t even remember what movie it was. It might have been Inception, which might arguably be a superior movie. But I did more or less completely forget about The Social Network. The next time I heard about it was from my friend who informed me that early screenings had earned the movie almost 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. As a total movie nerd, my favorite sites are IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes, both of which I place very high value in, so that statistic floored me. “No, you must be mistaken,” I told him. “There is no way.”
The Social Network has no doubt since given me a solid lesson in humility. How very wrong I was to laugh at the trailer, Jesse Eisenberg, and Justin Timberlake, and think even for a second that this movie would neither be socially relevant nor be anything more than a joke. But before I continue gushing over how great the movie is, perhaps I should explain why I feel the compulsive need to write yet another unnecessarily long-winded blog post about a random topic that no one will read and/or care about. To give some background, I watched it for the first time over winter break and remember thinking only briefly that it was really good. Maybe it was because I was in Arcadia at the time and therefore preoccupied with eating good Chinese food/shopping at Ranch 99s and sketchy Korean stores/being super Asian in general, but it was only after watching it a second time over the span of yesterday and today that I realized just how mindblowingly (not a word, but that’s okay) good The Social Network is. And here’s why:
1. The whole “Based on a true story” thing.
Is that what really happened? (Maybe.) Was Mark Zuckerberg really that much of an asshole? (Perhaps.) Was Eduardo Saverin really that cute? (No. But he is Jewish and most definitely has a thing for Asian girls.) Was Divya Narenda really half Italian and half Scottish/Chinese? (No. He was Indian. Duh. Hollywood’s just racist.)
But all kidding aside, the thing is, even though I spent about at least an hour researching (okay, Wikipedia-ing) the origins of Facebook and the different lawsuits involved the last time I watched this movie, I did it again this time around too, not as extensively, of course, because I’m not that bored, but I still wanted to remind myself of all the details, being the slightly OCD person I am. And most of all, because I wanted to know the answer definitively. I wanted to discover the truth. Did Mark Zuckerberg really steal Facebook? Or did he just steal part of a good idea and then build on it? But as much as I want to know, I won’t know the truth – now or ever. And that’s probably one of the best parts of the movie. It keeps you guessing and wondering and wanting to know more. Kind of like Inception, except the appeal of The Social Network over Inception is the suspenseful notion that many of these depicted events actually did happen. You can’t shrug off that ambiguous ending as easily as you can with Inception because you know the director didn’t give you an annoying last shot of a wobbling totem specifically to mess with you (although Christopher Nolan is still kind of a genius for doing that).
2. The idea of a social network and its previous nonexistence (at least in the normative sense of the term).
This movie has made me think a lot, which most movies don’t do. I can watch Mean Girls and The Princess Bride as many times as I want but the most I’ll ever get from those repeated viewings is being able to quote such classic lines as “As you wish” and “And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt action rifle so man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.”
Maybe it’s just because I took Sociology last semester and therefore now often think about social constructs, but one of my favorite lines from the movie is this: “There was nothing to hack, people were gonna provide their own pictures, their own information. And people had the ability to invite or not to invite their friends to join. See, in a world where social structure was everything…that was ‘THE thing’.” And it still is the thing. You can say Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook (or the Winkelvoss twins or whoever), but it’s us who have made that creation possible. We’re the ones who write statuses and post everything there is to know about our lives (some more than others). Just thinking now about how much time I waste on an online platform that I cluelessly joined almost five years ago is crazy. Yet it literally defines my current social circles, interactions, and experiences – all because I like to think I’m important enough that people actually care about who I am and what I think. Sadly, Facebook does kind of own me. But that’s because it appeals so much to an innate part of my humanity. So, really, who am I to blame? Just kidding. I shouldn’t use that as an excuse.
3. The score.
I don’t know what exactly to say abou’t the score, except that it’s part of what makes The Social Network a true gem. It’s amazing and weird and creepy and overly techno at the same time. The only track I can appreciate on its own is “Hand Covers Bruise,” but somehow with the movie every composed track just works so well. Major props to Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross. I will admit that I enjoy listening to Inception‘s score way more on my iTunes but goodness the score blends so seamlessly with the movie that I can do nothing but marvel at its brilliance while watching.
I think I’ve said more than enough, so all I can say is now in every icebreaker exercise where I have to say my favorite movie, I’m so happy I no longer have to agonize for minutes on end and admit defeatedly that I can’t decide among Mean Girls, The Princess Bride, and Remember the Titans. I can just look everyone straight in the eye and say The Social Network. Why? “‘Cause “I’m CEO, B*tch.”
Tales of a [Temporarily] Four-Eyed Gurl
I have worn glasses more times in the past month than I have in my entire life. And for the majority of that month, I have thought myself as ugly, the way Amanda Bynes says it in She’s the Man. You know, that scene where she’s telling Monique (ultimate hot beezy girlfriend of her brother) that she’s ooglay. For those of you who are curious, you can watch the clip here
It’s crazy, but the minute I put on my glasses, everything changes. Suddenly, I’m not just a girl. I’m a four-eyed gurl. U for ugly. My theme song becomes “I’m an Ugly Girl,” that one anti-Barbie song parody by Weird Al Yankovic. Not that I have unwanted facial hair or anything, but my self-esteem does drop down to a minimum. It’s that same feeling of shame I get when my eyes are swollen after crying. I’m too scared to look anyone directly in the face because I don’t want them to notice that I now have fat triple eyelids. The difference is that that feeling only lasts for a day, or however many hours it takes to get my eyelids to go back to normal, whereas this feeling of ugliness is ongoing. My eye infection means that I have to wear glasses for at least another two weeks, meaning I will have been four-eyed for over a month by the end of this whole ordeal–a month of ugliness and the unconfidence that comes with it.
Now, there are obviously four-eyed girls who look perfectly fine. In fact, I know at least two girls who look like models with glasses. Some people can just pull it off. Unfortunately, I am not one of them. And after having been told so many times that eyes are my best (and perhaps only good) features, I can’t help but feel that with thick lenses and frames covering them up, my face is no longer worthwhile to look at. That I am a nerd. That I’m not pretty, so I might as well act invisible and hope that I fade into the background.
I don’t know when exactly it was that this four-eyes stigma of mine started. Maybe it was when I was six and really wanted glasses but my mom told me they would look ugly and I would end up with eyes like dead fish’s if I wore them for too long (yes, she was serious). Or maybe it originated from having Arthur as a childhood hero and seeing him being made fun on TV for wearing glasses. Come to think of it, I’m pretty sure I first learned the term “four-eyed” from Arthur books. But I’m not about to start attributing my psychology to a childhood TV show. No, I would say a fair share of this stigma has been reinforced by society. The four stages of beautification that every girl now goes through are 1) contacts 2) braces 3) bangs/highlights/layers and 4) clearing up of acne . It’s pretty much the standard path out of the awkward teen phase.
In the media, unattractiveness is often associated with glasses-wearing. Like all those movies that do makeover montages or show a flashback-to-high school scene where the girl is now transformed to a beauty from the glasses-wearing nerd she used to be (Princess Diaries, anyone?). Or the “You Belong with Me” music video where Taylor Swift doesn’t get the boy until after she decides to be “pretty” and takes off her glasses, even though it’s apparent to any idiot with eyes that she looked amazing with glasses on already:
Let’s be honest here: if I looked this good with glasses I would not be lamenting my current four-eyed state. But if even the beautiful T-Swift is supposedly ugly with glasses, how am I supposed to feel about myself? Too damn ugly sounds about right to me.
Within this past month, I’ve definitely tried to just be myself regardless of what I think I look like, and it’s true that for the most part, these glasses have not prevented me from looking someone in the eye or cracking a joke. But still when I look in the mirror sometimes, I heave an inward sigh and just look away because I don’t like what I see. And there is a certain kind of brokenness in that, one that stems from distorted social standards and a past of insecurities. As much as I don’t like the way I look sometimes, there is Someone who does–and it is only He who can heal that brokenness. I just have to be willing to ask Him to enter into it.
So I guess there is a happy ending to this post (sorry for being so cliché). Surprisingly, it didn’t come in the form of some lesson about patience and self-esteem as I thought it would. It’s the simple and somewhat painful truth that I am broken. Having been terribly nearsighted for so long, I guess it comes as no surprise that it’s taken one month of glasses-wearing for me to recognize this fact. I carry more baggage than I thought I did. But here’s the happy ending: my God is carrying it with me every step of the way.
Will there ever truly be a time where I can wear glasses every day and feel happy about it? Maybe not. But hopefully one day I’ll come pretty close, not because I really do look amazing with glasses but because I have a full identity and self-worth based in Christ instead of an identity based in appearances. And I hope that one day there will be another little Taylor Swift-esque snapshot of a girl wearing glasses, except it would say something like this:
“Can’t tell I’m pretty under these glasses? Look again.”
